Nov 7 2009
Keep your head down and power through.
This is something that I’ve heard so much in the past four years. As a freshman, sophomore, junior, and currently as a senior, these “words of encouragement” have come up more than once a year. For most of my classmates, this is an easy task. To forget about what is happening to the world around them. To forget about the distractions and to ignore what’s really going on.
For me, this is close to an impossibility.
I’ve never truly found a way to get through school and stay static the entire day. I ride the ups and downs of each day and return to zero at the end, but nonetheless, I went through the day as a different person from moment to moment. (I can assure you that I’ve said one thing in the morning and then something contradictory at the end of the day. Multiple times.) The ability to ignore my feelings and disregard my thoughts seemed to be lost in the process of becoming a functioning person. I just can’t do it.
Nov 1 2009
note to future self
Don’t get serious with those stick-skinny bitches. They won’t be able to take your weight. Stop that, right now.
Oct 30 2009
I didn't even know you, but I miss you.
I saw you so many days out of the year and now I’ll never see you again. No one will. I spoke to you once, you seemed so kind. Had I taken the effort to speak to you again… Your family misses you so much, your friends are heartbroken.
If only it wasn’t you. You were so young. 16 is hardly a life. You didn’t deserve it.
I didn’t even know you, but I miss you. It’s hard to believe you’re gone.
Oct 26 2009
I’m surrounded by people who don’t know how to talk about themselves. You can go on and on about the SAT and your grades and your college applications, but you can’t even tell me what you enjoy about autumn or how music makes you feel. Why am I stuck in such an unfeeling society?
I need to have a road trip without my family. I need to have a bonfire. I need to cut my hair off and get a new hair style. I need to learn how to drive a car. I need to go to the beach before this school year ends. I need to meet a stranger and make a connection with them. I need to go out and take pictures on a film camera and not give a crap about how they turn out. I need to make out with a girl. I need to go to a party and watch people drink. I need to sit down and watch the cars pass by. I need to cook my family dinner. I need to make someone inexplicably happy. I need to reconnect with an old friend and keep the flame going. I need to go camping and climb a mountain. I need to swim in a river or a lake. I need to push my friends into the ocean. I need to walk around in the city and have fun. I need to feel.
(I need to send 10 letters by the end of the month. I want to get just one letter back.)
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